And just when I thought it was safe to cruise through the shopping center parking lot again, I am reminded that it doesn’t have to be an out-of-town car or driver to make all of our lives miserable.

For several years, the shopping center parking lot here on Big Pine had one single space that was close to the entrance door and not a handicapped only space. I watched many a dance of Detroit iron trying to figure out a way to get to that spot. Then, they made that single space a handicapped space and the daily potential metal twisting ballet was over.

Now there are three spaces on two aisles that are near the stores, and for some unknown reason are not painted blue, signifying handicapped spaces. These have become the latest targets of what I like to refer to as the “unable to walk my legs are both broken” crowd that seems to be so much more prevalent today than they were even five years ago, and definitely more prevalent today than they were 20 years go.

I know you’ve seen them. They’re the drivers that will spend 30 minutes cruising the parking lot waiting for a space to open up that is right in front of the store they wish to visit. This gets so bad at times that the various drivers will miss appointments or watch the store they want close before they have found that perfect parking space. And then they walk up and bang on the front door trying to get let in, eventually storming off in a huff that there’s no one around to let them in after hours because they cruised the parking lot for 30 or 40 minutes waiting for a parking space that was convenient.

And they vow never to patronize that store again. Go figure that one.

Anyway.

I saw quite the dance the other day when I was trying to get into Winn Dixie on a typical late afternoon. I will have to admit that I am one of those aggressive drivers. Over the years I have gotten quite tired of waiting for other people to make up their mind and decide what they’re going to do. It has nothing to do with a lack of patience, it has to do with making sure I’m well out of the way before this ding-a-ling can cause a major catastrophe. That attitude behind the wheel has kept me out of trouble for more than 28 years.

This particular day, a youngster who probably shouldn’t have been behind the wheel to start with because he didn’t have enough maturity to be able to make a decision, let alone the right one, and was definitely young enough to have walked the extra 15 feet, really wanted that space up front. There were two of the six remaining. He wasn’t going to settle for the one further away. He wanted the one right up front. I was coming in from the Key Deer Blvd. side. He was coming in from the Wilder Road side. Another vehicle was headed that general direction from the southernmost Key Deer entrance, and yet another was homing in from the southernmost Wilder Road entrance. It was shaping up to be quite the “chicken” episode.

I personally don’t care if I get one of those spots or not. Walking another 20 or 30 feet is probably good for me, and it keeps me and my vehicle out of trouble. But, like everyone else, unfortunately, sometimes I just can’t resist doing the dance.

I sped up just a little so that I would arrive at the opening to the row the same time as our young friend. This of course forced him to think about whether he should stop or take the chance I wouldn’t run him over. He needed a left turn, which gave me the right of way. I admit I had a little bit of a mean streak going so I took my time before I signaled him to go ahead in front of me. He whipped into the row, only to meet the car coming from the southernmost Key Deer entrance who didn’t wait to either give or get the right of way and slipped right into the spot further away from the store.

That must have confused our youngster and he overshot the closest space. Once he had done that, the car coming from the southernmost Wilder entrance had a clear shot into the close space and was in it in seconds.

Our aggressive youngster wound up parking four spaces further away and walking that extra 30 feet. I parked on the far side of him, and just to be a butthead, parked as close to the yellow line separating parking spaces as I could. Since he was as close as he could get to missing his space on my side, that left about eight inches for him to open the door and crawl in the vehicle.

Should I feel bad about that…probably.

Do I? Nah.

The red tape involved in the bureaucratic morass that passes for child welfare these days makes it near impossible for children in the system, a system that is supposed to put their well-being first, to emerge unscathed.

For starters, the cases drag on far too long. Florida has long had a policy of family reunification for families that get themselves embroiled in the child welfare system.

That’s a laudable goal. It’s an achievable goal.

But enough becomes enough. If the parents haven’t done what they need to do to prove themselves fit to raise our next generation within two years, allow caring adults to take over through adoption or long-term foster care in some cases.

But we have cases locally that drag out for five or six years. And that hurts no one but the kids caught in the crossfire between parents who can’t fly straight and a system that refuses to hold those same parents accountable.

That is a long-term issue deserving of considerable dialogue.

But of more immediate concern to the kids in the foster care system is the need for some kind of normalcy—a routine way of life that makes them like every other kid on the block—with the ability to act like a kid.

The Florida Legislature has approved a bill that now awaits Gov. Rick Scott’s signature that mandates normalcy for youth in foster care.

Normalcy is something these kids desperately need. Until this bill takes effect, a child who wanted to do something as simple as have a sleepover at the home of a friend needed to seek three layers of approval. The friend’s parents had to have background checks. It could take months just to allow two kids to get together and act like kids.

The normalcy bill eliminates much of that red tape. Instead, the bill puts the onus on the individual foster parents to act like—well—-like parents.

Foster parents, and we realize there are some bad apples in the basket, are put through a level of scrutiny even most national politicians don’t endure.

They are fingerprinted. They are background checked. They are interviewed. They are trained by professional child care workers. They are surveyed. Their homes are inspected. Their cars are inspected. They have to file financial disclosures.

And yet, until this bill worked its way through the Legislature, the foster parents weren’t allowed to make a simple decision about allowing a child to go on a school field trip without authorization from a child care worker or a judge in some cases.

Foster parents weren’t trusted to pick a baby sitter, even though many of them have children of their own and make those same decisions on a routine basis. They had to use an approved list of respite care workers who may or may not be available.

Foster children weren’t allowed to babysit outside the home.

These are normal parts of being a child, growing up, learning independence and responsibility.

And now, these kids have a chance to experience normalcy in all its aspects.

Foster care parents are told to make the youth in their care as much a part of the family as possible, to provide a normal life-like routine. And yet the red tape from the state stymied such simple attempts at normalcy.

And because that may be no more, it will be the kids who will benefit. Kids who have for a major portion of their lives in many cases experienced nothing resembling normalcy will have a chance to act just like other kids.

And that can only help them in becoming productive members of the next generation.

We applaud the Legislature for realizing that the people who are interrogated and checked more thoroughly than security personnel at the Capitol Building can actually make normal grown-up decisions about providing a youthful experience for children of the foster care system.

Now, we simply need to get the child care workers and judges to begin using criminal charges as a way to hold errant parent’s feet to the fire and make them accountable for the ways in which they treat the precious youth of our land.

When Deputy Joshua Brady arrived at the house on Galleon Road at 9:45 p.m. Saturday, he found three injured people, two women – the suspect’s mother and aunt -  with wounds on their arms and one man – the suspect’s uncle -  stabbed in the abdomen. He found blood all over the floor of the living room.

The uncle was yelling “he’s in there”, pointing to another room. The suspect’s mother refused to comply with the deputy’s orders to get behind him for safety. She was hysterical, yelling at the deputy to leave “him” alone and not to hurt him, meaning the suspect, 20 year old Jacob Knapper of Agoura Hills, California.

Suddenly, Knapper ran out of the other room, straight at Deputy Brady, yelling for the deputy to shoot him. The deputy could see Knapper had no weapons in his hands, so he grabbed him, holding him securely until backup officers arrived. Knapper was then handcuffed and taken into custody.

It is still unclear exactly what happened to precipitate Knapper’s attack on his family. His aunt says he called a friend of hers a nasty name in front of the friend’s children. A confrontation ensued with the uncle telling Knapper not to talk like that in front of children. Knapper reportedly told him he could talk any way he wanted, then grabbed a knife and stabbed the uncle and aunt.

69 year old Alfonso Garcia-Rodriguez allegedly fondled and sexually assaulted her over a period of two years, between 2003 and 2005 when she was 6 – 8 years old. The incidents took place in Marathon.

Garcia-Rodriguez was arrested in Lee County on March 25th on a Monroe County warrant, then returned to Monroe County yesterday to face charges of two counts sexual battery on a victim under 12, three counts lewd and lascivious battery on a child under 12, three counts lewd and lascivious conduct on a child under 12, and one count lewd and lascivious exhibition in the presence of a child.

• Please take photos of your property and store them in a safe place.

• Document serial numbers from motors, electronics, dive gear

• Engrave or etch a mark in items that do not have serial numbers so only you know where and what it is

• Lock items in storage after rinsing them off from a day of use

• Turn the breaker off that controls the davits or boat lift when leaving town for any period of time

• Have a neighbor watch your property if you are out of town for the season or a weekend

• Do not leave keys in the boat

• Purchase a locking nut for your lower unit and engine mount

With many seasonal residents heading north please remember MCSO has the “Premise Check” while you’re away. Whereby a resident fills out a form and patrol officers will conduct regular checks of the home to verify it is secure. This service is free to all, and the form may be picked up at the Cudjoe Substation.

Please remember we have the Sheriffs Office drug drop off program. You can drop off unwanted prescription medication (no needles) at any Sheriffs Office substations across the county. We will be glad to pick up such items.

No paperwork required.

A hot summer night on the waterfront on Big Pine Key. Thousands of people pack the park grounds. Overhead, on a starry, clear night, fireworks burst against a black sky, drawing oohs and aahs from the packed house while patriotic music fills the air.

For hours prior to that, those same thousands munched on holiday fare, tipped back a few cold ones and listened to a free concert from a local band, dancing toward nightfall. Not a dime is charged for the pleasure.

Such is the finale to the annual Independence Day celebration.

On a slightly chill January morning, nearly a hundred golfers tee up at the Key West Golf Club for a friendly scramble tournament. When the flurry of golf balls against a clear Keys’ sky is over, nearly $5,000 has been raised to help send a local student to a four-year college of their choice.

Thus is the end result of the annual Al Mueller Benefit Golf Tournament.

On a brisk Sunday afternoon during the first week of February, hundreds of folks pack the park at Watson Field on Big Pine Key, partaking of prime tailgate food, otherwise known as fish fingers, hamburgers, hot dogs and pulled pork. Many of those pop the top on a cold one and settle into lawn chairs to listen to a parade of local talent across the stage while the youngsters pop in and out of the bounce house, play some miniature golf and suck down sugary drinks at a prodigious rate. Not a dime is charged for the pleasure.

Thus is the lazy day called the Super Sunday Spectacular prior to hundreds scattering to a favorite television screen to watch the annual Super Bowl match up.

On an Easter weekend Saturday, local volunteer firefighters and a club of community service folks stand at the traffic light on Big Pine Key asking passing motorists to throw a few bucks or coins in a bevy of buckets or boots to help raise money for the annual Independence Day celebration.

On Easter Sunday, those same community service club folks pepper the ground at Blue Heron Park with more than 2,000 plastic Easter eggs loaded with candy and prize tickets for the children of the local islands. The Easter Bunny makes a cameo appearance. Not a dime is charged for the pleasure.

In early April, a cadre of homemade paddle wheel boats make their way down the canal behind Looe Key Tiki Bar, sometimes finishing with a flourish, sometimes not, as hundreds look on, tipping a few cold ones and cheering on their favorite racers.

Such is the annual Lower Keys Paddleboat Pursuit.

Just a week or two later, more than 100 kids line the No Name Key Bridge brandishing brand-new fishing rods, trying to catch a prize-winning fish to win a shiny, new bicycle or one of a host of other prizes donated by the local community, or purchased by that same club of community service folks, with the integral aid of the Monroe County Sheriff’s Department.

On a hot May morning, the weekend of Memorial Day, that same community service club and local volunteer firefighters again take up residence at the traffic light on Big Pine Key, again asking passing motorists to toss a few bucks or coins in the bevy of buckets and boots to aid in paying for the annual Independence Day celebration.

Then comes the celebration.

Beyond that, in the time surrounding Halloween, volunteers from the community and that same community service club transform the community center at Big Pine Park into a world-class haunted house for the screaming pleasure of everyone. Not a dime is charged for the pleasure.

The weekend after Thanksgiving, volunteers from the community service club haul out the holiday lights to adorn the power poles along US 1 from Summerland Key to Big Pine Key. Up and down the ladders, hanging ornaments for the viewing pleasure of those traversing the highway. Not a dime is charged for the pleasure.

In mid-December, volunteers from that same community service club drive the streets of the Lower Keys, looking for the greatest in holiday light displays, rewarding those that really shine with gift certificates donated by a willing and helpful business community. Not a dime is charged for the pleasure.

Also in mid-December, that same community service club gathers together boaters from all over the Lower Keys to parade across the calm waters of Pine Channel in the annual Lighted Boat Parade to the delight of young and old alike. Not a dime is charged for the pleasure.

Between all of those community events, the service club sends kids to college on Take Stock in Children scholarships. The club donates to local youth leagues, the local food pantry, scholarships to Sea Camp for deserving children, and many other charitable organizations.

If you were to guess that the club so involved in the community that nearly every resident and visitor partakes of one of their services at some time during the year is the Lower Keys Chamber of Commerce—you would be wrong.

The small cadre of community-service-minded folks that try hard to bring fun and unique events to the people of the Lower Keys is the Big Pine and Lower Keys Rotary Club.

The club has been established for decades with a primary mission of community service.

Chances are if your children or grandchildren received a polio vaccination, that vaccination was part of the Polio Plus Program sponsored by Rotary International, the parent organization to the local club and thousands like it around the world.

Rotary here doesn’t do as great a job in tooting its own horn as it should. It is extremely involved in many of the things you see that enhance our community.

But tooting its own horn isn’t what Rotary is about. The club is about community service first and foremost.

If you’d like to learn more about what Rotary does in your community, give me a call some day. I’ll be glad to talk to you about everything we do.

And if you want to find out first hand, come to our meetings at 11 a.m. on Tuesday for lunch at Springer’s Bar and Grill.

You too, can be part of a service to your community.

Visitors reported that the resident alligator, a mid-size female about four feet in length, had crawled up onto the observation platform with humans already there.

“We had reports that the alligator was displaying aggressive behavior so we thought it best to give the animal time to return to natural conditions,” said Nancy Finley, new refuge manager.

Refuge staff re-evaluated the situation on Monday, she said, and the gator seemed to be calmer after its cool down period so the Blue Hole area was reopened.

She said that according to sources with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, the alligator’s behavior is typical of like animals that are in close contact with humans over a long period.

US Fish and Wildlife Officer Steve Berger said that the problem stems from humans feeding the alligator.

“Unfortunately, the alligator is getting used to being fed by humans so it seeks them out for more food,” he said.

Although posted warnings against feeding wild animals, both for social and legal issues, are prevalent around Big Pine Key, “sometimes our visitors who have never been exposed to these animals outside a controlled setting feel that they are doing the animal a favor by feeding it human foods,” said Berger.

That’s not the case at all.

The behavior is “imprinting on the alligator that humans are a source of food. They’re not looking at the humans as food, but rather that the humans bring them food. It makes them act a little more aggressively than they would normally around humans,” said Berger.

But that behavior can end badly so there are interim steps to take.

The closure of the area was the first of those steps, said Berger.

“The next option if the behavior continues would be to move the alligator to another location where it had no interaction with humans,” said Berger. “There’s always the chance that the gator finds its way back to the Blue Hole, but we evaluate that and take appropriate steps.”

Berger said the procedure is to do everything possible without doing any damage to the alligator or allowing the gator to do any damage to humans.

“We’ll do everything possible before we even consider euthanizing the animal,” said Berger. “But people need to think of their actions (feeding) as a possible end result of no more gator.”

He says that regardless of the alligator’s calm outer demeanor while it surveys its domain underneath the Blue Hole observation deck, it is still a wild animal “And needs to be treated as such.”

Berger said that feeding alligators, or Key Deer, or any other wildlife on the refuge is a federal misdemeanor, and those folks who don’t get the hint, “Could wind up standing in front of a federal judge. That’s a last resort.”

Berger said he would much rather inform people about the dangers of feeding the wildlife than issue them a citation for federal court where they could face “a hefty” fine.

“This is not the clientele (visitors) where a heavy-handed law enforcement presence is needed,” he said. “Most people just need a gentle reminder.”

Even though the Blue Hole area is again open, Berger and Finley said they would continue to heavily monitor the situation over the next couple of weeks.

“We don’t want a situation where the alligator becomes more aggressive,” said Finley.

Alligators in these parts are typically in closer proximity to humans this time of year as they seek out fresh water to drink.

“Once the wet season rolls in the next couple of months, we should see the gators retreat further away from human areas,” he said. “They won’t have to congregate around the Blue Hole and other fresh-water areas near humans. They can find them elsewhere when the rains come.”

This isn’t the first time that an alligator calling the Blue Hole home has become aggressive with humans due to feeding issues.

Several years ago a large gator that had inhabited the Blue Hole for more than a decade required some special treatment after it became addicted to fried chicken that had been fed to it by several well-meaning visitors.

In that case, the gator would come up onto the path that encircles the Blue Hole and stop people, in essence begging for food.

When a brief closure of the area didn’t substantially change the alligator’s behavior, refuge officials had to go out and begin prodding the animal with a pole, reminding it that humans weren’t always a friendly source of fried chicken, they could also be an enemy.

“People think they’re doing the alligator a favor by feeding it easy food,” said Berger. “That’s not how it works.”

I’ve had a lot of questions from people about building boats for our annual paddleboat race coming up next Saturday at Looe Key Tiki Bar.

Before we get into a not-how-to discussion of building a paddleboat, let me fill you in on the annual Board of Directors walk along the race course.

Because of the length of the canal behind Looe Key versus the open water dock area of our former race course, we have definitively approved the installation of a 180-degree turnaround as part of the race course.

The course will start at the boat ramp. Racers can walk their craft to the drop off and climb in, which will make for a little easier mounting than the dock was, or they can pitch the craft out into the water, swim out and climb aboard. I’ll sell tickets for the latter.

The race will commence at the dropping of the start flag and proceed approximately 40 yards to the west where there will be a buoy. At the buoy, the racers will execute a 180-degree turn and come back to the boat ramp for the finish line.

Yes, we expect a little NASCAR-style bump-n-grind to occur at that turn.

Should a boat spin out in the turn and go down, there is a ladder to get the boat pilot out of the water. Fishing the boat out will be for our on-scene diver, or the boat crew, or the nearest drunk who wants to get wet. We’re not picky.

Now, on to boat building 101.

I won’t give away any secrets from the past race winners except to say that a boat sized to the pilot is always best. The weight of the pilot should be centered as much as possible to keep the bow down and give good traction for torque on the sprocket assembly.

But here are a few important things to remember. This is supposed to be fun. Alcohol is a prime ingredient, both in the building process and on race day. But not too much. Remember, everything is best in moderation.

When cutting the sideboards and keels, be sure to keep all important parts away from the saw blade, and make sure that the person chosen as the bartender understands that the blade can start at any time.

To get better structural strength, rip your 2×4 boards into 2x2s to start, and from there you can cut angles or strips for added connections. You get more board that way.

You have six feet of one-inch dowel rod. There is nothing in the rules (I know, I wrote them) that says you can’t use dowel rod as a support structure if you don’t need it for the sprocket assemblies.

And if all else fails, and you’re not quite sure if you’ve used the proper amount of board in your design (Like maybe a little too much), then the boat-design judge (me) is completely bribable. The bartenders know my favorite brand of beer and bourbon.

And remember, alcohol.

Duct tape makes both a great exterior sealant and a joint sealant. Roll the tape, stick it to the joint and drive the screw or nail through the tape into the accepting board.

Of course, if you have a crowd helping out with construction, ask them all to chew massive amounts of gum during the build process and use the gum as a joint sealant.

Paint, of which there is no limit, also can serve as a great joint sealant if applied wet before the boards are attached to one another. Oil-base paint can be your best friend.

Make sure to wear some kind of eye protection if using paint. A fast screw gun can toss paint for several feet. Don’t ask me how I know that. Just suffice it to say that I’m glad I wear prescription glasses on boat-build day.

Tape applied after the paint job dries to a good tack and then painted over also seals quite well. If you ever build a boat that doesn’t leak, I’ll bribe you for the secret.

And remember, alcohol.

The sprocket assembly may well be the most important detail. Here I will share with you that the best performing boats have been those that use a hole 15 percent or more larger than the dowel. Salt water tends to make things expand and after a race or two can make for a hard-to-turn power assembly.

The best performing boats also are meticulous in grinding and sanding the dowels and the receiver holes for smooth performance. Of course, sanding too much can affect the strength of the dowel.  A one-inch rod isn’t exactly something upon which you would stake your life.

Drywall screws. Three-quarter staples. Both very light.

Staple guns are not for shooting at people. They are meant to drive sharp objects into wood and tape.

And remember, alcohol.

The length of the paddles is a matter for debate. Some folks go with more blades and less blade in the water, some go with fewer blades and more blade in the water. Figure out your water line first fully loaded. I didn’t once. The boat wouldn’t move. Not enough blade in the water.

And remember, alcohol.

Because there will be a turn in the course this year for the first time, either independently- turning paddlewheels or a rudder are essential ingredients. Unless of course your pilot has extremely long arms and can use those arms to steer. But if they use them to paddle, it will take a lot of what the bartenders are familiar with to get the judge to sign off on human rudders.

And remember….wait….maybe alcohol is the reason I don’t remember?

Barkeep….

We have been very lucky that we didn’t suffer through the current recession as much as some other areas where wholesale flight to other areas was the norm and unemployment remains rampant.

But let’s not test that luck just yet.

Big ticket spending not so long ago put Monroe County in a hole from which it has taken nearly five years to dig out. Add to that the downturn in revenues from the economic recession and lower wages, and Monroe County had a deep hole to climb from.

And by most accounts we made it out of the morass onto firmer ground.

Now is not the time to shake that ground.

Facing an unfunded state mandate to upgrade wastewater to the tune of about $500 million, we collectively agreed to tax ourselves and our visitors an extra penny on sales. And we agreed to that to fund wastewater upgrades.

But the ballot language wasn’t strong enough to keep those looking for loopholes from finding them and less of that original sales tax went to wastewater than we had envisioned.

If it had all gone to wastewater, it still wouldn’t have been enough. But it would have been what the people who voted for the tax levy envisioned.

Now, we have just agreed to extend that tax on ourselves and our visitors to help finish paying for the wastewater the last levy didn’t pay for. And again, it appears the ballot language isn’t strong enough.

We understand that after years of forced austerity from the economic downturn and some bad decisions, quality-of-life projects have to come back to the surface.

And we agree with that as there are several we would like to see get off the ground.

But we don’t agree with pursuing these projects ahead of what has been promised.

Once the governmental body determines that wastewater is fully funded, under the terms of the ballot language, it may use the sales tax money in any other lawful way.

We have an idea how much wastewater is going to chew out of that money.

But we must also live up to some subtle promises we made to Key Largo Wastewater Treatment District to route some of the sales tax money back to them to help their users defray capital costs. We support that.

We must also see a concrete plan in place to repair our aging, and continually deteriorating, roads and bridges. A good quality-of-life project for many of us would be not losing tires and axles to potholes and rough dirt roads.

Once we have determined a good guesstimate for the costs of roads and bridge projects, then we can look at what it will cost for the much-needed canal clean up and restoration project.

Without the sewers, near shore water quality will suffer. Without the canal restoration, the sewers mean little to nothing. Without the roads and bridges, what does it matter?

And after the true infrastructure needs are met, or we have a financing plan to meet them that can’t be changed down the road by the next county commission, then we can take a hard run at quality-of-life issues.

The voters agreed to extend the tax to tackle infrastructure needs. We’d all like to have something nice to have. But what we need are clean canals and good roads.

County officials estimate that there will be about $184 million in available money after wastewater is taken care of.

Put the research into motion. Gather all the data you might need.

But until we can definitively say how much we’ll have left of that estimated $184 million after we address all the must-haves, let’s not commit any money to the nice-to-haves.

When Deputy Timothy Hunsberger arrived at the Circle K store at the 106 mile marker at 10 p.m., the clerk told him 45 year old Michelle Burdick was in the parking lot, in a vehicle. He said a patron of the store was trying to keep her from leaving because she was too impaired to drive.

The clerk said she’d been in the store with a young girl. He said Burdick had been acting erratically, throwing things around.

When Deputy Hunsberger confronted Burdick, asking what she was doing, she said she was taking the child to Key Largo park to ride bikes. The child – an eight year old girl – was sitting in the passenger seat of the car. Burdick was noticeably impaired, rambling in her speech and did not make sense when she tried to explain herself.

She was found to be in possession of cocaine – both powdered and crack – Xanax, Oxycodone, numerous items of drug paraphernalia. All the drugs were within easy reach of the child as she sat in the car.  More cocaine was found hidden on her body when she was brought into the detention center for booking.

Burdick was charged with two counts possession of a controlled substance without a prescription, two counts possession of cocaine, five counts possession of drug paraphernalia, tampering with evidence and smuggling contraband into a jail facility. She was booked into jail.

The child was turned over to child protective services.