I dumped the burgers, why didn’t the weight follow?

By Steve Estes

Strictly Drivel

The secret came out a long time ago. I am a hamburger addict. It’s no secret that I am a hamburger addict. I freely admit I am a hamburger addict.

I have spent most of my adult life searching for great hamburgers. And if I didn’t find it, any old hamburger would do.

I am most fond of hamburgers that are char-broiled in some fashion. I like blackened outsides and really juicy insides.

Actually, I am such a hamburger addict that even a bad hamburger is better than any other meal.

I have only one real criteria for hamburgers. Those hamburgers must be well done. The only way you can get me to admit that a hamburger is bad is to serve it to me partially done.

My conversations with the wait staff when I order a hamburger usually go something like this:

“A hamburger, well done please. Well done. Stab it, kill it, slap it against the wall, choke it, cook it, burn it, stomp on it if you have to. Well done.”

If I get it and it bleeds, even a little, it goes back before I put the top bun on it. I don’t want to contaminate a good bun with an undone hamburger.

My wife discovered my addiction years ago. In an effort to save my arteries from my own foibles, she began a program to help me cut back on hamburger usage.

I had friends in the food business that would serve me hamburgers only when she wasn’t around. But she had this knack for knowing when I was out having a hamburger, and she would call, asking them if I was there eating a hamburger. Good friends that they were, they wouldn’t admit to me being there sitting at the table wolfing down a well done burger.

Then she would ask if I had cheese or not. This always tripped them up, and she knew.

So to save me from my own artery-busting addiction, she surreptitiously traveled to various establishments and informed them that I wasn’t to be served hamburgers.

One day, I got an empty bun with extra lettuce and tomatoes. At least the bun was toasted.

I have since cut back on my hamburger intake. I’m not greatly happy about it, but I have done it.

Yes, I probably have done my arteries a favor.

So, with all the things I don’t have to worry about by cutting back on my hamburger intake, I have a few questions to ask.

Hamburgers are supposed to be a bane to the diet, both health wise and weight wise.

Why then, since I have curtailed by half my hamburger intake, do I continue to gain weight faster than I ever have?

Before you answer that question, let me take a moment to finish my Mountain Dew.

So, what can you tell me?

Hold a second while I polish off this bag of chips.

Is there a logical answer for this phenomenon?

Give me just a moment to take the wrapper off this Twinkie.

Is there anyone with any knowledge of this quizzical condition?

While you think about it, I’ll go to the refrigerator and slice off a hunk of Colby cheese.

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