And so be it resolved by me for the new year, maybe

By Steve Estes

Strictly Drivel

It seems nearly impossible that another 12 months has slid by. Never has the term “where did the time go?” meant so much as it did last year.

As the New Year prepares to meet us in five days, it is time to go over our list of resolutions from last year, or perhaps just throw those out and make new ones for this year.

I personally would like to do the latter since I can’t remember what resolutions I made last year anyway, so with your permission (and even without it) I will regale you with my own personal list of resolutions for 2014.

I would like to resolve this year that every overweight teenager be required to wear pants that don’t show off their butt cracks. Little does more to dissipate an appetite than to see some slovenly butt crack wending its way to a restaurant table. If I wanted to see butt cracks I’d frequent the animal farm on Stock Island. Come to think of it, maybe our butt-crack-proud friends should find the animal farm and make it a safe haven. Everything at the animal farm likes to show off its butt crack. They’d fit right in.

I would like to resolve this year that roads be painted white and lines be painted black. The current configuration doesn’t seem to be working as well as it should, so maybe if we make the roads look more like a sheet of paper with writing on them, then people might actually follow the directions given. Of course, that resolution needs to be supported by one from our educators everywhere that every child be taught to read.

I would like to resolve that drivers on U.S. 1 in season be forced to provide a break in traffic at every fifth car. Since most of us use the Keys method of left-hand turns anyway (you know-—the one where you turn right and go to the end of the island and flip around) that would allow us to get into traffic and make that left at the other end to swing around.

I would like to resolve that Key Deer not eat the plants we’re told they don’t eat. It’s hard to plan a yard when the deer eat everything with green in it, everything with red in it, heck everything with any color in it, and it makes it really tough to keep the gate open for any period of time without having to shoo one of the little critters out before you can close it again.

I would like to resolve that the grocery store keep at least four lines open during peak periods. It’s not that I dislike the grocery store, because it sells food and we all need food, but if I wanted to make the grocery my primary social function for the evening, I’d dress differently.

I would like to resolve that local restaurants be forced to give we customers a choice in salads. I love salads, but I have a hard time eating one that looks as though I could have picked it out of my back yard and thrown it on the plate. Sorry, but I’m really an old-fashioned iceberg lettuce kind of guy.

Perhaps you’ve noticed that all those resolutions deal with things I can’t really control anyway, so if I break them, I won’t be doing a disservice to my resolution scorecard at the end of 2014.

So for those you who think I’m cheating, I’ll try a few more personal resolutions—ones that I can have some control over. That should level the playing field a little.

I resolve not to use words I know won’t be understood by my antagonists in any argument. It is getting pretty boring anyway when you insult someone and they give you back that blank stare like you see when you trap a Key Deer in the headlights. What’s even more discouraging is when you insult someone fair and square and they don’t even realize it for three or four hours. It loses its luster very quickly.

I resolve to stop making fun of people who have never discovered what size clothes they wear. After all, it’s not their fault that generic clothing sizing isn’t offered in school, and that they believe everything with X in it means it belongs to that generation. Hmmmmm, I guess I’m lucky this printed before midnight Wednesady or I would have blown that resolution before it even got started.

I also resolve not to make as much fun of drivers who fail to pay enough attention to get their vehicles from point A to point B without a boatload of either silly or stupid, or even death-defying mistakes. This one will be tough, but I think I’m up to that challenge.

I further resolve to cure Holly of her 30-minute rule when going anywhere. It’s that unwritten (and largely unknown) rule that says if you arrive anywhere you’re supposed to be within 30 minutes of the time you were supposed to, you’re not late. I probably can’t control that one either, but it will save me a lot of stress on potential speeding tickets if I can keep that one.

I further resolve to get in more fishing time. Sometimes we let the presses of everyday life keep us from the things we really want to do. I live here because I love to fish, swim and play with the aquatic life. I want to do more of that whenever possible.

I also resolve to spend more time buying clothes. I’m one of those people that as long as it’s comfortable, it doesn’t matter how old it gets, and I’ll continue to wear it until it literally falls off of me. That’s a scary thought for many people, especially since I’ve packed on about 50 pounds in the last couple of years.

And lastly, I resolve to shed that 50 pounds in the next 12 months. I’ve watched a couple of friends of mine rid themselves of that much weight in short order. I think I can do it. But, that probably means cutting back on the hamburgers and french fries, long a staple of my diet, and probably eating more salads and vegetables than I actually do. If I can find a joint that uses regular old iceberg lettuce, the salad thing will regain its appeal. Of course, I could become less lazy as a cook and make my own damn salads at home couldn’t I?

It would probably help if I cut back on the beer consumption somewhat, too. While my intake is already low compared to most people I know, I don’t seem to be able to burn off the beer calories as well as some others.

So, with the onset of the New Year, I take a new direction in life. I want to be a kinder, gentler version of me, with more patience for those challenged by the simple subtleties of language, and those challenged by the simple realities of driving, all while becoming more debonair and slimmer.

Yeah right.

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