On to the next phase of my diet

By Steve Estes

I have talked to you all before about the diet I have been forced to undertake to try and bring my cholesterol numbers down out of the stratosphere.

I don’t know how the diet is working in regard to the cholesterol numbers, but one side effect is that I did lose about 27 pounds in two months. I like that.

I won’t find out about the cholesterol numbers until I get rescreened, which I promised myself I wouldn’t do until six months had passed so that my regimen of eating sprigs, twigs and cardboard would have a fair chance to work.

I can say that I am heartily sick of roasted chicken in all its iterations, the same with roasted turkey and I’m nearing the end of my string with baked and broiled fish.

I’ve eaten so many nuts of varying kinds that I’m about to grow a trunk in place of my nose.

I gave up potato chips, corn chips and any other fried snack.

I have given up my beloved Mountain Dew and now only drink non-diet, sugar-free sodas, tea and water and coffee.

I’ve never been so tired without my quick-hit charges of sugar and caffeine from Mountain Dew.

But I have cut the weight.

My wife watches me like a hawk when we go to restaurants. She doesn’t watch me because I might order something off my diet, I’ve actually been very good about that, she watches me because there is probably someone in the restaurant partaking of my favorite foods…hamburgers and French fries.

I have been known to drool on a plate or two as I stand over someone’s shoulder and sniff the aromatic ambiance of a well-cooked hamburger, or salivate down the front of my shirt as the unsuspecting diner drowns their golden-brown French fries in some savory catsup.

And I have been known to sit down at the table next to someone who is eating some eggs just so I can stare at the eggs and remember what it was like to taste something that wasn’t meaty, white or tasteless.

But now that I have cut the 27 pounds, I am on a mission to get rid of the other 20 pounds I feel I need to lose. And I realize that diet alone isn’t going to get me where I need to be.

I have been able to wear shirts in the last few weeks that I had given up hope of ever having on again, even though I refused to throw them away. I have also been forced to buy a belt to hold up pants that just a few weeks ago were hard to button. It seems I have lost most of the weight in my ass and there’s nothing to hold up the shorts anymore.

I have an extensive collection of t-shirts that are printed with sayings that are…shall we say…from somewhat to completely rude.

I bought very few of them. Most of them came from friends and family who understand that sarcastic people actually find humor in these things.

I am nothing if not sarcastic.

But anyway, I have a birthday coming. Usually I ask for nothing but accept all gifts of eagles, chess sets or swords. This year I want a bicycle.

I think a bike would help me cut the weight I want to cut the rest of the way out and wouldn’t be torture on my already tortured bad knees.

Also, our new six-year old recently learned to ride a bike without training wheels and we promised him we would ride with him when he learned that skill. I had forgotten how adept kids are at learning such things at an early age. I am ill prepared.

I’m not even sure I remember how to ride a bike although I’m told it’s a skill you never really forget, so I guess a bike is the best way for me to go at this point.

Back when I rode a bike a lot, I was a few decades younger and a couple dozen pounds lighter with no shifted-center-of-gravity issues to be concerned about.

I hope that makes no difference. I would hate to have to stop the extra pounds I have gained from crashing Earthward using just brute strength, something else I’ve lost over the years.

Where once I could dead lift 300 pounds off the ground and carry it a few feet, now I look at it and search for a dolly or a crane to do the same job. If I can find neither, it stays where it is until I can get serious help.

But I want to get my weight down. Maybe that will be the answer to my cholesterol problem. I have no blood pressure issues in fact my blood pressure is sometimes dangerously low for my age so I have no worries in that area.

There are still a couple of areas of concern, however. I have to either buy new shorts or remember my belt otherwise I will find myself toting grocery bags or newspapers with my pants competing with my ankles for foot time.

And I have to force myself to take the time to ride the bike. A bicycle sitting on the front slab that never moves won’t do me any good.

I already have a piece of low-tech equipment that barely moves.

Me.

I’ll let you know.

Maybe.

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