Iguana battle won, but war lost

Our local iguanas are back at it.

After last winter’s cold weather sent a lot of our local lizards into unintended hibernation, resulting in lots of folks knocking them from trees and dispatching them in various ways, I thought we would see a lot fewer of the ugly reptiles.

Not so.

Just this week while driving to Summerland Key to call on a client I passed no less than eight iguanas staking out the side of the road within about 100 yards of each other.

When iguanas begin congregating I begin to worry.

Each of the critters was about three feet in length, brown in color, and just lying in the grass in the sun watching traffic pass. Not one of them was munching on the newly mown grass.

So they weren’t there for lunch. They were there for some other nefarious reason.

I’m just not sure what that nefarious reason may be.

The iguanas that used to populate my yard and I have come to an understanding. I don’t really mind having the lizards around. They don’t really eat that much, but they do have a tendency to relieve themselves whenever they feel the urge, including if I am standing underneath the particular tree where they have taken up temporary residency.

That’s my real issue with them. But it still worries me when they congregate.

My yard lizards and I came to an understanding a few years back.

Tired of being defecated on at inopportune times, I went and bought a water hose for the outdoor spigot at the front of the house. I already had one for the back yard.

Whenever I would spot a lurking iguana, I would turn on the hose, and then turn the hose on the lizard.

At first, they thought it was a game. I bought a high-pressure nozzle. They rose up and took notice.

And I could shoot the water further.

But I still think it was a game for them. Don’t tell me iguanas can’t think strategically. These guys proved you wrong.

I found a rather sizeable fellow sitting on the bottom frond of a palm tree near the street in the yard. I fired up the hose and drilled him.

He ran to the top frond of the same tree. I adjusted the nozzle, opened fire and hosed him down again.

He simply jumped from that tree to the one further back, way up at the top.

I adjusted the nozzle again and drilled him between the eyes. That caused him to shake his head and clear his eyes of the fluid.

But it also chased him off to another tree, a little taller.

One more adjustment and I drilled the lizard again.

I was winning the battle. But, unbeknownst to me, I was losing the war.

The lizard jumped to the final tree before the roof of the house and I chased along, drilling him with steady streams of water.

I finally drove him back to the roof whereupon I just started flooding the roof with water trying to sweep him off.

He backed off over the roof ridge. I could no longer get him with the front hose. So I walked under the house to take up the rear yard hose and continue the battle.

I was stoked.

The rear yard hose is connected right at the base of the enclosure, just around the corner from the furthest wall.

And under the roof overhang.

Paying little attention, I bent over to grab the hose and turn on the water.

Much to my chagrin, I found that I had been had.

Lying in wait for me just at the edge of the rear roof line were the iguana I had been dousing and three of his buddies.

They all let loose at the same time. I guess if you can’t claim pinpoint accuracy, the carpet-bomb approach is the next best thing.

As I bent down, I got hit in the back twice with wet, sticky iguana crap.

Folks tell me iguanas don’t laugh. I beg to differ. Whatever sound it was, a laugh is the closest I can get to a description.

Of course, I had to look up.

There, lined up at the edge of the roof were four military-formation-precise iguana tails, all waving gently.

And as if that weren’t enough, they all had to peek over the edge and smile at me.

I’m wondering if the ones I saw this week were part of that same gang.

The smiles looked so very familiar as I drove past the lizards.

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