How do I light this thing already

We, along with the Lower Keys Rotary Club and Parrotdise Waterfront, are going to try and resurrect the Lower Keys lighted boat parade this year.

We have scheduled it for Saturday, December 19 at 7 p.m. in the basin off the gulf side of the Pine Channel causeway.

We want as many boats as possible to join us in this endeavor, and we want hundreds of people to line the causeway to view the parade. Santa will be riding a boat along with Mrs. Claus, and there will be elves along the shoreline handing out candy for the kids.

There will be gift certificates to favorite local restaurants for the three boats judged best by the cadre of elves along the shoreline, and there will be no entry fee.

That takes care of the overview.

Then we had to delve into specifics such as how to run lights on a boat too small to carry a generator, which is the case with ours.

A power inverter immediately came to mind. Then comes the decision on how big an inverter and how many lights will one run before it blows.

So I set about to test the theory.

Remember, I am not the most handy of guys. I try hard, but my training simply doesn’t cover all phases of home improvement, especially electrical. There’s something about those power flows and currents, and how you stop and start them, and how you make them come together in a single circuit that for some reason just toasts my brain into a little ball of uncongealed jelly.

Of course, there are those who would say that my brain is always a little ball of uncongealed jelly, but that’s a discussion for another day.

First, I had to figure out how to hook the inverter into the battery without blowing myself to kingdom come or setting up a rider in the boat for an electrifying experience, probably myself.

I bought an inverter with alligator clips. Slip the clips onto the positive and negative terminals, which I can discern by the little + and – symbols stamped into the battery. Simple.

Then I had to string lights. I can do the addition on how many watts each lighted article will use, and make sure that the total is less than the rating for the inverter. I am that advanced.

But I’ve never figured out this amp draw thing and kept kicking the circuit off.

That got my brain to really spinning.

Could I simply add another inverter. Or did I have to find lights that draw less power.

What I had wouldn’t make for a much of a light show.

I wrestled with that issue for the better part of the day before my brain turned to mush, or the beer kicked in, I’m not sure which. And still I had no answers.

After the beer kicked (I’m sure) I got the bright idea to simply paint flashlight lenses red and green and hang the flashlights in strategic places to light up the boat. It worked in the driveway.

The result wasn’t all that great when I put the boat on the water and subjected my flashlights to the normal bumping and pounding of a boat. Of course, I also neglected to throttle back to idle speed.

I promise I didn’t leave any stray flashlights on the bay bottom anywhere, but there were a few times I had to scramble to catch a falling light before it became fish food.

I went back to the drawing board and found my small plastic tie straps, which I used to secure the lights in more amenable positions. At idle speed, they remained in place.

Of course, Murphy will be riding with me, so all of the flashlights will run out of battery juice before the parade is completed. Or the inverter will pop. Or the lights will burn out.

The eternal optimist I’m not.

I have four weeks left to figure this out. I will. I just can’t say with any degree of certainty that my solution will actually result in anything resembling a lighted boat for the holidays.

I’m open to suggestions. I’ll supply the beer.

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